How can positivity be toxic?

It seems strange, right?  But it can.  In my psychiatry practice, one of the things that is soul-crushing to hear about is someone telling of their trauma, and how they have been told repeatedly by the very people who should be their support system to “look on the bright side” or to “keep your chin up” or “be strong” when what they need more than anything is to have their experience validated in that moment.  Then they are shamed for not being grateful that their lives aren’t worse.  “Well at least you’re still here.”  Really?  What happened to the Golden Rule?  “Treat others as you would have them treat you.”  Many say this is the advice they would want given to them – but I would dare say if they experienced such horrific trauma they would likely feel very differently.

I agree with the words of John Kim, LMFT, in his article about this on PsychologyToday.com: “In relationships, the ‘Good Vibes Only’ mentality is toxic. Why? Because love isn’t always about positivity. It’s about growth, challenge, and, yes, conflict.” I am talking about comforting in this particular article, but it also applies to avoiding conflict, clearly (which I agree is not a good idea either).

Sound familiar?

This is why so many people turn away from Christianity, unfortunately.  It feels fake and … wait for it … hypocritical. I do not like that word (who does?), but there it is.  I hear it often, I am afraid.  But here’s the thing, if those of us who are Christians are 100% honest, we are ALL hypocrites – at least to a degree.  Aren’t we?  Everyone is – at least a little.  We all want everyone to see the best version of ourselves.  Everyone has junk they don’t want seen.

Has there ever been a time in your life when you have experienced a hardship, a trauma, or just someone being unkind to you, and then another human, in an effort to cheer you up (likely well-meaning), said something like, “God won’t give you more than you can handle!” OR “Everything happens for a reason!”?  Those of you who have experienced unimaginable loss – the loss of a child, a traumatic divorce (an ultimate betrayal), a loved one taken tragically … then someone comes along and says something like … that?  Awww heck no.  Right?  Exactly.  Then what exactly should be said?  At a loss for words?  Maybe start there.  “I don’t know what to say.  That is just … awful.”  If it seems awful – it is entirely okay to say exactly what it is.  The person experiencing it NEEDS for that experience to be validated for the horrible experience that it is.

Should we be grateful for God’s many gifts?  Yes.  But should we use gratefulness shaming to help others see how they should bounce back from their grief?  NO.  That is never appropriate.  For Christians, this should not be difficult (even though it so often seems to be), as it is spelled out in Ecclesiastes chapter 3 that there is a season for EVERYTHING.  When someone we care about (or SHOULD care about) is hurting, that is the time to dig deep and really think before speaking.  Pay attention to the gut-wrenching pain that is being experienced and respond to THAT rather than the personal discomfort of coming up with “the right thing to say.”  That will produce a better response.  Every. Time.

Reference:

Kim, J. (2025). Why 'Good Vibes Only’ Is Toxic. Here’s the truth about avoiding conflict in relationships. The Angry Therapist. Psychology Today [Internet]. Retrieved August 19, 2026 from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/202412/why-good-vibes-only-is-toxic

Has this happened to you?